Val’s
Val : That's everything. All right. Here's your crap. Get out.
Vic : Honey, your dad is coming all the way from Japan. Why can't I meet my father-in-law?
Val : Your father-in-law doesn't know he's a father-in-law, and he ain't gonna find out 'cause you're not coming back till he's gone.
Vic : Okay, so what you're saying is, you want me back.
Val : No. What I'm saying is, my father cannot know anything about what happened in Atlantic City or my unfortunate lapse of judgment.
Vic : Oh, come on! Baby, you were blitzed. He'll understand.
Val: Okay. So, bye, Vic. Go ahead.
Holly : No! Why does Vic have to leave? So you had a drunken marriage. Big deal. You're an adult. How much longer are you gonna need Daddy's approval?
Val : I don't know. You know what? What is wrong with me? Why am I always so worried that my Dad's not gonna approve of me? You're right : I am an adult. I am gonna be totally honest with Dad.
Holly : Aw! There you go, little one.
Val : Right after you tell him you quit college.
Holly : You know what Pop don't know won't hurt him. Out you go, fireman.
Sugar Babies
Holly : I'm sorry, but I want my Dad to like you. So when you meet him, I want you to shake his hand, look him in the eye, and laugh at his jokes.
Vince : Holly. I got it. I've met tons of girls' dads, and they always… Maybe I should just look pretty.
Holly : What am I worried about? He's gonna love you. Even if your pants have holes and cheese! Vince : Crap. I'm wearing my cheese pants.
Holly : Yeah, on the day you're meeting my Dad.
Vince : I should go wash them, huh?
Holly : Huh!
Vic : Hey, baby. Is the coast clear?
Val : What are you doing here? My Dad's gonna be here any minute.
Vic : Well, I would have, but you took my wallet and packed your phone in my pillowcase.
Val : I probably put it in my bag, thinking it was my phone. Go get it! Hurry! Go, go, go!
Vic : Honey, would you just relax? Okay? Your Dad loves you. How could he not? You're an amazing woman.
Val : That's so sweet of you. Thank you.
Dad : Val!
Val : Ohh! Beat it! Daddy! Hi!
Holly and Val : Oh, we missed you! Oh, my God.
Val : Do you like the place? We just had it redone.
Holly : Your hair looks so good.
Val : Are you hungry? I can make you a panini!
Dad : I missed you, too. To Holly : Oh, my God, look at you. You're all grown up. You look so beautiful! Holly : Aw, thanks, Dad.
Val : Yeah, isn't she pretty? Daddy, hi. Yoo-hoo. Hi. Oh, God, you look great. It's been so long. I can't wait to show you my profit-loss statements. Stay right there.
Holly : Dad I want you to meet my boyfriend.
Vince : Uh, this isn't pee. I was just wiping off cheese. You'll forgive me.
Dad : Pleasure to meet you, Henry. Ben.
Holly : A-actually, it's Vince.
Dad : I'm making a joke.
Holly : Ha ha ha ha ha! Laugh at his jokes, and look him in the eye!
Vince : Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Val : Oh. Okay. Daddy, here are my books. My accounts payable and receivable are so to the penny.
Holly : Dad Vince and I really want to take you for a bike ride in Central Park. Unless you want to do math with Val.
Val : Excuse me. I was talking to Daddy.
Holly : You were boring Daddy.
Val : I may be boring, but you…
Vince : V-Vic! Hey, have you met Val's…
Val : Personal trainer. Yeah, uh, what are you doing here, personal trainer?
Vic : Um, well, we have an appointment for the personal training.
Val : Yes. I'm gonna have to cancel that, seeing as my Dad's here. I'm not gonna be able to see you all week.
Dad : You have a personal trainer? What a great idea.
Val : Why? Do you think I'm fat?
Holly : Dad Why don't you sit down and relax, and I'll make you a delicious cup of coffee.
Val : Well, I'll make you a deliciouser one. What is wrong with you?
Holly : Me? What is wrong with you?!
Val : I just want five minutes alone with Dad to show him what a success I've become.
Holly : Well, I really want him to like Vince. And Vince has already made a horrible impression!
Vince : Okay
Holly : you're not whispering.
Dad : Girls, girls, get over here.
Val : Right here, Daddy.
Dad : This is Toshi Yamamora, my girlfriend's brother.
Val : Hello.
Dad : Toshi is a chef in Japan. His food is so amazing, I'm setting him up in his own restaurant here in the city.
Val : Oh. I get a free e-card for my birthday. This one gets a restaurant.
Toshi : I'd be honored if you would all be my guests for dinner tonight.
Vic : All?
Val : But you. Don't you have a client tonight, there, trainer?
Vic : Yes, but you just canceled.
Dad : Well, perfect. Then you'll all come.
Lauren : Oh, well, hi, Daddy! Excuse me. Hi. Well, the girls did not tell me that you were tall, silver, and handsome. To Val : Call me Mommy. Just let me feel the beat of that.
Later :
Val : Come on ! Faster. Dinner's at 8:00.
Vic : But it's only 7:00.
Val : I know, but I need to spend alone time with Daddy without that Holly. All right, now, come on. I got 3-inch heels, and I'm still moving faster than you. Is this how you run into a burning building?
Vic : Hey, I'm doing it on purpose, watching you from behind. Very sexy.
Val : Oh, too sexy? Oh, great. Now Daddy's gonna think I'm a whore. Earlier today, he told me I was fat. Now I'm a fat whore.
Holly : Come on! We only have an hour of alone time with Daddy for you to make a better second first impression.
Vince : Uh-oh.
Holly : What? Oh, no, you found more cheese. Unbelievable!
Val : Oh, my God! You came early so you could spend time with Daddy, you little sneak!
Holly : Well, where do you think I learned it?
Val : Hmm um, not in college! Why are you always trying to steal my thunder? You know I need this time with Daddy so he can learn all about my achievements and applaud them.
Holly : Did you see the impression that Vince left? Dad is only here two days, and every second is crucial.
Vince : Again… in earshot.
Vic : God! Come on, what kind of family did I marry into? My father-in-law is only in town for two days. Is this the way you want to spend it? Fighting?
Vince : Yeah!
Vic : Come on. Come on. Aw!
Holly : Okay, how immature are we?
Val : So.
Holly : I'm sorry.
Val : Me too. Love you!
Holly : I love you.
Vince : You ever wish we could be sisters?
Vic : No.
At the restaurant
Holly : You know what, Val? When we get to our table, I want you to sit next to Dad. I know how much this time with him means to you. And tonight can be your night. I'll find time with him tomorrow.
Val : Oh, you are so sweet!
Holly : Where do you think I learned it?
Val : Aw!
Holly : Aw! Okay. I'm gonna go get us a drink.
Val : Okay.
Holly, to herself : But I'm gonna find Daddy first!
Near the kitchen
Val : Jeez! Think I was born yesterday, dropout?
Holly : Well, let me tell you something, drunken married lady. Dad is gonna freak out so much more from what you did than from what I did.
Val : We'll see about that, won't we?
Holly : Indeed we will.
Holly and Val : OhmyGod! OhmyGod !
Vic : What? What happened?
Val : Ourour ourour
Vic : Okay, Val, Val, Val! Relax, honey. Use your words.
Val : Our father was just in there, making out with his girlfriend's brother Toshi!
Vic : What?
Vince : What?
Holly : Kissing necking man-on-man action!
Vic : Okay, uh, well well, the good news is, this is way bigger than both of your secrets.
Vince : Oh ho ho ho! My cheese pants pale by comparison!
Val : I can't believe my father was just getting down with another man. Does this come in a large?
Holly : So if you're a guy, and you make out with another guy once, does that mean you're gay?
Vic : Yes.
Vince : No.
Lauren : Hi. Sorry I'm late. I wanted to make my grand entrance for the silver fox.
Val : Knock yourself out.
Holly : Good luck with that.
Vince : Gay.
Tina : Hey, guys! This place is awesome. Your dad and Toshi did a great job decorating.
Val : Yeah.
Vic : Surprise, surprise.
Vince : Gay.
Holly : He's coming over! He's coming over! What do we do?
Val : Okay, act natural.
Girls : Hello, father.
Dad : Lovely weather. Girls, you look so so amazing tonight! Toshi wanted me to bring this over just for you.
Val : Oh! Well, everything looks so great, Daddy. Anything else coming out?
Holly : Because whatever does come out, we will love.
Dad : No, I think everything's out. Oh, wait. Toshi just gave me a special hand roll.
Vince, laughing : Wasabi. Spicy.
Vic : Spicy.
Dad : I am just so happy that you're all here. It's a very special night for Toshi and me and I want to say a few words. Toshi! Would you come in here, please?
Holly : He's coming out! He's coming out! He's coming out!
Val : A little louder, and he won't have to.
Dad : I after spending a long time thinking about this, I am 100% sure that this is the right thing to do. Toshi is incredible. So, tonight I'm proud to announce he's not only my chef. He's my partner.
Holly, to Val : Say something!
Val : Uh, uh Daddy, I'd just like to say Toshi seems like a wonderful man. Yeah, you guys are so cute together all tall and short. And, um, well, we're just so glad that you chose tonight to share with us something that I'm sure was very difficult for you because, you know y-y-you've never been gay before.
Dad : What?
Val : You know. You and Toshi… partners. I meant business partners.
Dad : We're now business partners.
Val : Haha.
Holly : Tell him about what we saw in the kitchen.
Val : We -- we -- we -- we -- we -- we saw the two of you in the kitchen not being business partners
Dad : Well, um this isn't the time or place to discuss this. Excuse us.
Holly : You know I think that's why I'm the favorite.
Val : It's like all of a sudden, our whole life has changed, y'know? I mean, everything we knew about Dad's different. He's the same, but he has this whole other life.
Holly : Do you think Dad ever calls Toshi "Tushy"?
Dad : You know, uh in Japan, families often drink tea together to celebrate a successful harvest. Or when the Dad tells his kids he's gay. So, what should we toast to?
Val : The blue states.
Dad : How about to my girls who I love more than anything in this whole world? So, how about that? Your Dad's gay.
Holly : I think it's great. It's a little shocking. All these years, I really thought Mom was a woman.
Val : Holly!
Dad : Your mothe… she was an incredible woman. She was my soul mate.
Val : Okay, so, how did it happen? What happened? You just said that mom was your soul mate. Did she know? When did you make the oldswitcharooney?
Dad : No, she didn't know. I didn't know. Well, at least not for sure until about three years ago.
Lauren, listening behind the door : Okay, so, he turned gay three years ago. The wife, may she rest in peace, had no clue. But he loved her. They were soul mates.
Vic : Lauren, do you really think you should be listening?
Lauren : No. No, I should be watching, too.
Dad : When I met your m… when I first met your mother, we were both 18 and I didn't know who I was. I just knew that I was in love with this girl. And I thank God every day that I was 'cause she gave me the greatest gift of my life.
Holly : Me.
Dad : The greatest two gifts of my life. And you know what, this is why I haven't come home the last couple of years. I was afraid that you'd hate me.
Val : Hate you?
Holly : How could we hate you? You're everything to us.
Val : Daddy, we don't care who you're in love with. Just as long as you're happy.
Dad : You have no idea how much that means to me.
Lauren : Why can't my daddy be gay?
Dad : Ha! I got to tell you what a relief it is to finally be honest with you. And I promise I will never keep anything from you again.
Holly : This is so nice. We all love each other, no matter what. Like if Val did something drunk and stupid. And I did something that many, many, many other kids my age do. We'd all still love each other, right?
Dad : Is there something that you two want to tell me?
Val : Yes. Daddy, uh There's something I really have been wanting to get off my chest. Holly quit college!
Holly : Val got drunk and got married!
Dad : You're married? You got married?!
Val : It was a huge mistake! I'm getting it annulled! Don't be disappointed in me. And again, Holly quit college!
Dad : How could you keep something like this from me? Marrying Vic… that's huge!
Val : Whoa, wait a minute. How'd you know it was Vic?
Dad : Honey, I'm gay, not blind. And as for you, young lady… we'll talk about this later.
Lauren : Girls Your new mommy and I have a great idea. We have so much to celebrate. Let's go out and party!
Holly : Oh, yes, I love that idea. I work so hard every day. Unlike the rest of my generation, who are partying away their Dad's money at college. Not me, Daddy.
Piano-bar
Gary : Hey, you know what? It's kind of fun being gay.
Tina : Oh, come on. You're not cute enough to be a gay guy.
Gary : You are.
Vic : Oh, no, no, no, no. You know what? Let's do "Maybe This Time" from "Cabaret." Oh, come on. Like you don't all know the words.
Vince : And you gave me such a look when I asked you to be my sister.
Dad : Look at your husband. How cute is that? He's such a show-tune queen.
Val : Who knew? I guess that's what you get when you marry a guy after two hours. Okay, I know it was a horrible mistake. I-I mean, how could I have screwed up so badly?
Dad : Don't you ever give yourself a break?
Val : Well, I like to criticize myself before other people do.
Dad : Maybe if you'd stop, you'd see that no one else is. Honey don't get out of this.
Val : What?
Dad : Don't end this marriage. You're in love with him.
Val : Oh, my God! So not.
Dad : Honey honey! Look at me. Look at me. Look, look, look.
Val : What?
Vic : You're in love with him, and he's in love with you. I have been watching the two of you all night.
Val : Oh, please. Just 'cause you're gay, you're suddenly all intuitive?
Dad : We're a very sensitive people. It also helps that I'm your father, and I know you better than anyone. Now, tell me what are you afraid of?
Val : Sharks, bears, leaving the house with the flatiron on.
Dad : Getting your heart broken?
Val : No. Yes.
Dad : I'll tell you what, sweetie. Get over it. To be in love with someone who loves you and not go for it just because you're scared oh, trust me -- you're gonna miss out on an awful lot.
Val : But you haven't had every guy walk out on you.
Dad : Well, did you ever think that if they didn't, you wouldn't have ended up with Vic? When it's the right guy he won't leave. All I'm asking you, honey, is to think about it, because I love this song, and I've got to go sing.
